Sudden Love Confessions
by Sashocirrione
Summary: L thinks that everything has all worked out, but Light knows that everyone has actually gone insane. Total and complete crack. Surprise pairings.


**Title: **"Sudden Love Confessions"

**Author: **Sashocirrione

**Spoilers: **Major spoilers for everything up to nearly the end of the Yotsuba arc.

**Warnings: **NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual activities. Swearing. Crack. Extreme weirdness.

**Summary: **L thinks that everything has all worked out, but Light knows that everyone has actually gone insane. Total and complete crack. Surprise pairings.

**Pairings: **I've never done this before, but I'd like to leave the pairings as a surprise. I will say, though, that one pairing is het and one is yaoi, and that both of them are extremely bizarre. If there are any Death Note pairings whatsoever that you can't endure, then expect these surprise pairings to be that bad or worse.

**Additional Notes: **All canon events previous to this fic have happened as normal. This fic is set shortly after the time period that L and Light are chained together.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

* * *

Light was deeply involved in his work on the computer in front of him. He was supposedly doing research trying to track every yet-unknown move Higuchi had made during his time as the third Kira, but Light was actually trying to figure out just where L had hidden the death notes.

Things had been completely insane ever since Misa had moved back into the building. She wasn't supposed to be in the building at all. She was supposed to be judging criminals and making such an obvious target of herself that Rem would get nervous and kill L, but it hadn't worked out that way at all.

A few times, Light had managed to get Misa alone and whisper in her ear, trying to get the elusive name that still thwarted his plans, but each time Misa said something like, "Oh, come on, Light. Ryuzaki is our friend. We're not going to actually kill him."

Light knew, if he could just break the headquarters' security system and solve a few additional problems, then continuing as Kira might be possible. He needed the death notes and then, after that, all it would take was the right plan.

But he couldn't have the needed peace and quiet to do that.

No, he could see in the reflection of his computer's monitor that unwelcome visitors were approaching from behind him: L and Ryuk. They were sure to have something completely inappropriate and inane to tell him.

Just seeing L and Ryuk, Light couldn't help reviewing the incidents that had led this horrible situation. Light's mind flashed back to the point at which everything had begun to go terribly, terribly wrong. It made him sick just to think about it, the events that had begun it all.

It had started with a tearful Misa relentlessly pressing the buzzer at the side entrance and all but screaming into the microphone there. With that kind of event to deal with, Light had expected something bad, had mentally cursed Misa and tried to prepare himself for spinning any lie necessary to circumvent the trouble Misa was surely about to cause.

But he was still stunned by what he heard, too stunned to really do anything about it or figure out a counter-strategy. What Misa said was simply so bizarre that he'd been barely able to do more than stand there with his mouth hanging open.

Misa's first coherent statement that wasn't obscured by sobbing was, "I'm in love with Watari. I love him so much I can't stand it! Rem, don't kill anyone! We have to think this over and do the right thing. I promise it'll work out somehow; this is what I want. I can only hope that he loves me in return, but, I don't know, maybe I've ruined everything."

L had replied, "Misa, if you know about Rem, then I presume this is your confession?"

Before Light could think of what to say, Misa blurted out, "Yes, I'm the second Kira and Light's the first Kira. Just let me have one chance at Watari, one chance, and if he hates me after our first date then... life wouldn't be worth living."

While Light had stood there with his mind refusing to put the pieces together, refusing to believe what had just happened, Rem had said, "Nobody gets arrested as Kira, or I'll kill everyone."

To Light's surprise, L had calmly replied, "I can live with that. As long as all the notebooks are handed over to me so I can hide them, and the murders do not restart, I will not seek any prosecution of the Kiras."

And it had been that simple. Misa had brought her own death note, explained everything, and introduced everyone to Ryuk.

L had been deeply affected by seeing Ryuk for the first time. He looked absolutely stunned, his eyes huge and bulging. As if to himself, he'd whispered, "Another shinigami. Amazing."

Ryuk had blushed in return. Light hadn't thought that Ryuk's bluish-gray skin could even hold a blush, but it was unmistakably there.

Ryuk had placed one booted foot behind him and twisted it against the ground, like a smitten middle school girl, and said, "I've always liked you, L. You're a lot more interesting than Light is."

L had smirked and said, "Really? I think you're the astonishing one. If you're agreeable, I would like to take you on as a research subject."

And it had just gotten worse from there. L was "researching" Ryuk almost constantly, and soon it had progressed to the most disgusting kissing and make-out scenes that Light had ever witnessed. And who knows what they were doing behind closed doors, but it certainly sounded orgasmic and kinky, with all sorts of things being yelled out that Light tried to forget he'd ever heard, including frequent mentions of apple sauce.

Light couldn't decide if Misa and Watari were better or worse than L and Ryuk. Misa was always claiming that she'd spotted just a bit of drool in the corner of Watari's mouth, and that she needed to kiss it away, and then she'd end up sitting in his lap, doing it repeatedly, and going on and on about some fetish she had for mustaches.

But seeing L crawl all over a shinigami and kiss him was perhaps the most nauseating. At least Watari was human.

Light's mind was wrenched back to the present when L's voice spoke from directly behind him.

"You won't find the slightest hint of where I've hidden the murder notebooks. I've taken extensive precautions. I don't even know myself where they are."

Light groaned and then said, "Why are you here, L?"

L replied, "I thought you might like to be the first to know. I'm pregnant with Ryuk's baby."

Light made a disgusted noise, but still, he had to ask. He held a hand to his throbbing forehead, trying to ignore the tension headache that was developing, and said, "How is that even possible? You're male, and Ryuk isn't your species. Ryuk isn't even a part of the physical world half the time! You're talking complete nonsense."

L replied, "Of course I can get pregnant. I have a vagina."

"No," Light said, desperate to impose some order on a world that had obviously gone insane, "you do not have a vagina. We've used urinals side by side. I've seen your junk, even if you hardly ever bathe. I'm sure you don't have a secret vagina hidden between your testicles. I'm observant; I would have noticed it."

"Excellent points, Light," L said, "but sadly, they are not relevant in my case. I am talking of the secret vagina I have behind my elbow."

"The... vagina... behind your elbow?"

"Yes," L replied, as if he were patiently explaining something reasonable to a small child, "that is why I always wear long sleeves. But, since you're skeptical and we're such good friends, I'll show you my vagina."

Light screamed, "Aaahhhhhh! This doesn't make any sense."

Yet Light couldn't help but stare in horrified fascination as L rolled up one sleeve to expose a perfectly-formed vagina nestled in the crook of his elbow, with plump fleshy lips, a small bud of a clitoris, and even a small bit of pubic hair above that. It was a flawless representation, except for its location.

Light stared and stared at it, trying to think of some way, any way, it could actually make sense. It was obviously flesh, not just a joke prosthesis. Perhaps it could have been created by plastic surgery, but Light was of the impression that plastic surgery wasn't that advanced yet, for such a thing to be possible. And, for pregnancy, there needed to be a womb...

Ryuk said, "You never tried to tap that? Are you crazy? Can't you see how hot L is?"

No, no, it was simply wrong. It couldn't be. It wasn't right. Light couldn't endure the world he was in a moment longer. He rebelled against it, trying to wrench himself away from it by pure force, trying to wish it out of existence.

L said, "Isn't it wonderful, Light? Everything has all worked out."

_It did not work out, you bastard. Somehow you planned all this, didn't you, L? Are you trying to drive me insane? Is that your scheme?_

Light closed his eyes, trying to pull himself away from everything by the force of his thoughts, trying to get out.

And slowly, slowly, he had a sensation as if trying to surface from deep water, as if the world was being sloughed off bit by bit, and then suddenly he was back to himself, blinking uncertainly, undergoing a very familiar process, waking up and finding himself in bed, in a darkened room.

L was sitting in a nearby chair, simply staring.

Light still felt unclean from all those nightmare images of L and Ryuk, kissing so hard it looked as if they were trying to eat each other's faces. He felt as if he'd have those images with him for the rest of his life, popping up every time he thought of L.

And Misa's sappy confessions and disgusting baby-talk while she gave Watari lap-dances and dug earwax out of his ears...

Light didn't want to say a word, so instead he glared at L.

_That fucking weirdo makes me have fucking weird nightmares. This is entirely his fault. If he weren't such a freak, I would never have had that dream._

L had that oblivious-seeming blank stare, the one that looked harmless but was exactly the opposite.

Light tried to satisfy himself with turning his back on L and pretending to go to sleep.

Though Light knew he wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't be sleeping the rest of the night. He couldn't chance slipping back into the same dream and picking up right where he'd left off.

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

This is a fic I've been working on for a long time, inspired by the poll I have on my fanfiction dot net profile about which Death Note crack pairings are the crackiest. WatarixMisa and LxRyuk have topped that list for most of the time it's been up (though recently LxRyuk dropped to fourth place, displaced by MattxDemegawa and HiguchixSoichiro).

I wanted to tackle those pairings in a serious way as I have with other crack pairings, but I just couldn't manage to do it. So here they both are, in all their unvarnished cracky glory.

I have seen other authors do what I couldn't and write these pairings seriously.

There are two fics for L and Ryuk on the dn_kink meme on livejournal (just use the ctrl-F trick to search for "Ryuk" to find them, since there aren't many completed requests with Ryuk). Both are serious, and both are with an L who is at least partially unwilling. In one, Ryuk is so attracted to L that he at last breaks down and makes himself visible to L, holding him down and fingering him. In the other fic (probably the best of those two) Ryuk remains invisible and gives L hand jobs that completely bewilder and unsettle L, because he can't see or understand what is happening.

As to realism, that's about as far as I can imagine the L and Ryuk relationship ever going.

I've seen just one WatarixMisa fanfic. It's on the Death Note fan fiction contest on livejournal (the community dn_contest) for the week #10 prompt, "crack pairing", and it is "Before Her Eyes" by versipelles. It's quite short and very, very odd, but nicely written, and certainly not written as crack in tone, it's quite serious.


End file.
